Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
It's official drugs can't kill me
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize