SEEEEXXX PLEASE
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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