Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Im part way to drunk.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
