Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I did not marry a roomba.
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