We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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