Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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