He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Randomize