my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Randomize
