Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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