She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize