I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
