dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
