Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
