I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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