How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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