theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
