My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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