They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
