I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
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