Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
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