i don't plan on having that self control this summer
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
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