wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
