oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize