We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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