just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize