My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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