She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
