It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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