if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
