hotel room ftw
1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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