Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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