Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Randomize
