I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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