so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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