just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
