Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
