he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
