got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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