In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
