I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
