jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
