All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
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