I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
