When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
