The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
