I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
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