Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
