I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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