this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
