I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
