I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
