So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize
