I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize