I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
