If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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