So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
