I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
