new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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