If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
