I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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