So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
