the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
