I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
